Dear China Merchants Bank,
I spent two hours one day waiting at your stupid bank to transfer a little bit of money to my credit union in Seattle. The next day, I spent another two hours. The instructions on how to wire the money were given very clearly. You sat and stared at my form as if to memorize it, trying to understand how my money’s going to get all the way to my bank.
Six days later, when my money had not arrived, I asked my office manager to call and find out what was wrong. You faxed me a sheet with Bank of America’s rejection of my wire.
Well guess what, I called Bank of America, and they do not seem to be mystified about this wire transfer business, all they needed from you was to wire the money and the instructions, and they would have figured out the rest.
But no, you didn’t wire the instructions, did you. I said, “fax me the record of what you sent Bank of America.” “Duh, we don’t have a written record of what we sent Bank of America.” You should either be ashamed of lying, ashamed of being stupid, or ashamed of pretending to be stupid. But no, you’re just glad to have a job… and fuck the customer, right? Who cares if I can’t move my own money using a service your bank is supposed to be able to do.
And so now, tomorrow, I have to spend another two hours waiting in line at your stupid bank to fill out another one of your stupid forms. You’re going to ask me to pay the fee again, and when that happens, I’m going to knock the stupid off of your face with the heel of my shoe.
Oh, and by the way, you were the ones that insisted I needed a bank with a swift code. That’s why I went to your website and found Bank of America’s swift code. You know you could have done that , you know how to access your own damn website. But then I gave you the swift code (that your own website provided me with) and then you balked at how complicated the transaction is. Listen to me: WIRE MY MONEY TO THEM WITH THE INSTRUCTIONS. That’s all you have to do. Easy. Then you can get back to wasting other people’s lives by trying to do a job you don’t understand.
Understand this: this is a SIMPLE WIRE TRANSFER. Wire the money and the instructions THAT I GAVE YOU, and let the smart people on the other end of the wire sort it out. You don’t have to understand shit about my transfer, all you have to do is DO WHAT I PAID YOU TO DO.
Some day I will be able to say all of this myself in Chinese.
God help you if you tell me to be patient or calm down. I’m a grown man, and I’m entitled to be angry when my bills are gathering late fees due to corporate stupidity.