I wasn’t feeling well today, but I still need coffee. So I went down to Zeitgeist with iPad in tow and sipped my tall americano as I poked out a worksheet on definite articles.
A lady with a sunhat and a paper copy of the Stranger (guh, paper) sits two tables away from me. After a while I realize she’s staring at me. I look up to check.
Yes, staring directly at me.
I smile and nod and she keeps staring so I put my head down and keep working.
“I need one of those pens,” she tells me. She’s talking about the stylus I’m using. I tell her it’s a microfiber tip, and it’s a screaming deal at 3 for $7.77 on Amazon.
“Tell me what it’s called?” she asked.
“It’s by the Friendly Swede,” I offer.
“Oh,” she says, “I’m Swedish.”
“… Are you friendly?” Sorry, kids, that’s all I got.
Now is the part where it gets alarming.
“I like to think I’m friendly,” she says, “Seattle is a hard place to get to know people.” She is, of course, referring to the Seattle Freeze, which is real.
“Yes,” I agree. It is indeed a difficult place to get to know people. You can’t just go around insinuating passive aggressively that you want friends and expect people to become your friends. You have to actually make an effort, which out-of-towners hate.
“Maybe that will improve,” she says hopefully, “as more people move here.”
“Maybe so,” I say, as I reach for my panic button. Soon all that I hear is the sound of mechanical motors moving little gears, and titanium clamping securely against titanium as my Seattle Freeze armor deploys automatically from this psychotic person who wants people to move here and change our culture… a person who wants to TALK to me about said atrocity.
I think she feels a chill, because she looks down and starts reading her paper Stranger (guh, paper).
My Seattle Freeze armor has completely sealed me in, and the solid, crystal ice barrier is gleaming and shimmering gloriously around me.
A few minutes later I was finished with my worksheet, so I packed up and hovered my ice fortress out of there, an invulnerable frozen Colossus gliding heroically over the horizon into the sunset.
Hint: if you want to get to know us, you don’t start by insulting us. If you want to find emotional support among other non-Seattlites.. well, then I’m not your guy, am I.